I don’t trust anybody. Not anybody. And the more that I care about someone, the more sure I am they’re going to get tired of me and take off.
Heartbreak is an odd experience. At 7am you wish you could snooze your alarm and hide from the sunlight. At 10 you feel unstoppable and like maybe today is the day the heartbreak will ease. At 1pm you’re crying at your desk silently, hoping no one will notice and at 2 you’re running to the bathroom because you feel nauseous. At 3 you feel like you can manage. At 5 you’re exhausted from your heart leading you on this emotional roller coaster and your brain unsuccessfully trying to take back control. Come 8 o’clock and you’re squeezing your pillow, howling out to the moon wishing you could feel anything, anything but this.
I believe in moments. The fresh, rush, crush, of love. Taking a road trip across the country. Dancing under the stars. Crying in the rain. Being lonely until it hurts. Moments.
I don’t believe in happily ever after, though I wish I did, and I don’t believe in love at first sight. But moments are real, and moments happen, so long as you are looking for them. Maybe I’m just a passionate, delusional person, but that summer my friend and I set off to have the moment of a lifetime.
I do believe in the idea that once you feel the littlest love for someone, it never leaves, you can think of all the terrible things they’ve done, all the annoying little things they do, how they constantly steal the blankets and you can never get a goodnight sleep, how they constantly act too needy, all the little things they’ve said that didn’t sit right with you. Or you can really dig deeper, which takes a lot more patients and a lot more self discipline, to kind of dig down into those memories…those memories that just seem to be dreamy in a way. They have that beautiful glow that just radiates pure happiness, as you see yourself, and this other person, and the smiles on your faces are so extremely uncontrollable, that smile you try to hide around others, but in this moment you couldn’t even give a fuck about your insecurties, as you are just so extremely caught up in the beauty of that moment, the beauty that you both create.
My traumas with you taught me survival.