To my body, I’m sorry you have the job of keeping me alive when the rest of myself wants to give up.
I’m sorry for the nights i go hungry. I’m sorry for keeping you In a constant loop between recovery and relapsing..
I’m sorry for the nights i used to binge & purged.
I’m sorry that there’s still days i starve you.
I’m sorry that you’re cold all the time.
I’m sorry for every bruised i caused you. Every cut,
Every scratch, Every scar you now bare, scars that til’ this day are visible.
Sorry that I carved you up for the ones who didn’t even attempt to stay and only broke your heart. For the scars that now cover both of your forearms and thighs.
I apologise, my dear for the times i wanted to give up on you. For the times i made you numb. For the times i let someone you didn’t love undressed you. I’m sorry for all of the times I hit you, slapped you or smashed those fragile knuckles against the walls or glass. I’m sorry i tried to rip your hair out of frustration.
I’m sorry for all the cigarettes i let your lungs inhale
and the drugs that I allowed to cloud your thoughts and the poison that I dranked just to feel numb
and for the pills that I intentionally took when i wanted eternal sleep.
I’m truly am sorry for poisoning you. There’s so much to apologize for. Most of all, I am sorry for not loving you the way you derved to be loved.
I know now you kept me alive so many times; you healed my wounds. You mended our temple.
I can’t even begin to describe how thankful I am for all the things you’ve done for me. Just to keep me alive.
Sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t enough. Because you always were… it just took me awhile to realize that.
I’m thankful because no matter how bad I treated you, you always made sure I stayed alive. You kept me breathing when i no longer want it.
Thank you for being my home for 21 years, you never failed to heal me when i most needed it.
I just want you to know that you didn’t deserve any of it. You didn’t deserve to feel that kind of pain. You deserved love, compassion, and kindness.
I’m truly sorry. Please forgive me.