I wanted to believe that I could be loved full…

I wanted to believe that I could be loved fully, to sin and be forgiven, to be shielded even from myself. It’s been an unending cycle of trauma and recovery. Why haven’t I been held by someone I can trust will remain if this body should change? Why are my relationships endless giving until I find myself depleted and no longer needed, no longer so beautiful now that my smile has waned? Why will I die never knowing love? I want to understand, God.